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The Tardis

October 10, 2017

To me it resembles a cross between the tardis and a darlex from Dr Who.  Its tall like The Tardis, and contains many little openings on the inside (where you stand), that quickly blow air at you... the holes remind me of the ones located on the outer rim of the Darlex Machines in Dr Who.   The Drug Machine emits air at a high speed on to you very quickly so that any dust particles can be collected by the machine and analysed. Today it analysed me and the alarm sounded!!


I was politely asked to take a seat, of which I did, and then two women guards quickly came in to reset the machine.  Surely this must be a mistake and they will ask me back through to go again.  But no, I was called into the office of the 'silver headed guard lady'.  She proceeded to tell me I had high levels of PCP?  PCP I asked is what?, she stated Angel Dust, again I questioned Angel Dust?  I have never heard of this drug, so don't know any street name?  So then she clarifys.... horse tranquilizer, ketamine.   WTF?  Seriously!!!  I explain to her the machine must be wrong I don't do drugs, we (as a family) don't touch them.  There must be some mistake.  A conversation ensues between me and her and she tells me to stay calm, and she will sort this out, but by now I am already crying.... this is really stressful.  This is stressful because all week I have been waiting to see hubby today.... yesterday I worked a solid 14 hour day without a break to the point I was exhausted...and when things like this happen all you think about is that they aren't going to let you in to see your husband.  They control your life just as much as your husbands. 


You feel like you are back in the spotlight at court again... all eyes on you... everyone already judging.  But machines can make errors , and as I discovered at home later on the internet, many perfumes, hair care products, washing powders etc can contain chemicals including PCP and its byproducts.  Of course I lathered myself before I left home in this new perfume someone had bought me for my birthday, and to stop the frizz today I put some product in my hair.  Normally I don't do this when I visit, but I wanted to look and smell my best for my hubby.  Touching is limited in maximum security and sometimes I just want to feel like a girl when I visit him...simple compliments like 'you smell nice' and 'you look nice', mean so much more when your husband is in prison.  


So lets set the tone right here, I don't do drugs and again my husband is not in jail for drugs or alcohol.  And no he doesn't do drugs either.   The 'Silver Haired Guard Lady' (who reminds me of the Matron nurse on the old tv show 'a country practice'), informs me that they are going to grant me an access visit today.  She tells me to compose my self, and her and another guard hand me the tissues.  There kind and understanding... and talk to me in a sympathetic yet 'chin up love youll be right' motherly way.  There approach to this sitution is in my eyes is 100% correct.  They are empathatic, yet very professional, and remain immensly calm in handling the situation.  Afterall these woman are only doing there job.  When you have been scrutinized by people, media and courts as much as my husband and I have been in the last 3 years, you welcome some understanding human emotion in this very intrusive environment.  


When things like this happen its humiliating.... humilating because they (other visitors and guards) are all looking at you and you know they are already judging (because human beings do that automatically)  and embarrassing because you are crying in public.... in the prison system your emotions are completely out in the open.  There is no hiding how you truly feel, because they now own your private life, you have to adjust quickly to showing emotion in public.   Hubby and I were never ones to be overly 'lovely dovey' in public, but when you have no human contact (now 1 year 2 months and 5 days), you simply cherish your loved one holding your hand, putting his arm around your shoulders, touching your knee.  But in prison they are all perceived as potential passes to movement of any contraband including drugs.  So to make it easier so he doesn't get hassled by any guards (at this current prison they are really good - previous ones not so good), I am very much aware of how much I touch him.  It sucks but those are the rules.  


We ended up visiting hubby - I had a thumping headache by the time I got to the visitors centre, my Nutrimetics mascara that I had so delicately applied (and love) had been 'cried' off  and I felt completely exhausted.  My response to stressful situations has become intolerable now.  I have got to the point where I just fall to pieces when things don't go as planned.  I pride my self on everything I do and creating a great example for our children, extra especially more with hubby being in Jail.  I told him what happened, and he was so annoyed.  He knows me.... he knows us.  He told me to not worry and told me don't wear perfume again.  I just wanted to cry and cry and cry in his arms, but couldn't as all eyes are now watching....  I had had a 'shit of a week' with everything and everyone, and I'm supposed to be the tough one on the outside keeping it all together for when he comes home.   I didn't make a big deal about it to him, he was eager to talk about his court case.  The next two hours I am there for him, so he can talk about how he feels, the court proceedings, keep him abreast of things at home, and emphasis at all times we are all there for him.  A prisoner cannot show any vulnerability  when in prison for fear of being exploited by other prisoners. With my husband in prison I cant show any vulnerability to my husband, because now I have to be 'the rock', and keep it all together for the sake of the kids, our home, our life, our marriage and our livelihood, for when he finally comes home.  If only he knew there are some terrible days and weeks were that rock is just crumbling from the inside out.  But hey..... thats the life of a prison wife. 



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